A question for the ladies...  

whoisagentj 49M
692 posts
6/24/2019 11:27 am

Last Read:
6/26/2019 6:37 am

A question for the ladies...


So, I was messaged by someone a little while back. I sent her a polite message asking her to contact me back, and she did. She thanked me for messaging her, and then we did a bit of small talk to get to know each other better. Afterwards, I asked her if she was interested in getting together last weekend. I said that we could meet up that evening, and she could pick the place and the time and I'd be willing to be there.

Then...she didn't reply back. She was still on the site for an hour, but she never replied back at all.
A day goes by, and I asked her if she was still interested in getting together or not.
Still no reply.
3 more days go by and I asked her if everything was ok, or did she change her mind and decided not to meet up.
No reply at all.

Now I know it apparent she's got no intention of meeting. I've stopped messaging her, and moved on.

My question is this for the ladies...if you are serious about meeting up with someone, and they ask you directly to meet, and they suggest meeting at a neutral place to make things easier for you, would you go or not?
How would you describe a good meet? Would you spend some time talking to that person? How much time would be involved before meeting a person? A couple of hours of talk? A day? A couple of days? A week? Longer?

For example, you get a polite message. You respond back. He responds back, asks you some questions to get to know you better, you reply back and ask him some questions and he replies back and answers every question. He then asks, "Hey, I think we'd get along well. Would you like to meet up tonight to hang out and meet in person? If you like, you can pick the place and time, and I'll be there, so to make you feel more comfortable. Sound fair?" Would you go? Or would you ask to talk to him longer?

The reason I'm asking this is to better understand why some women go dark after I ask them politely if they would like to meet up and talk. I guess I'd like more info to better understand what's going on inside a woman's mind. Thanks in advance!

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pocogato12 67F  
27817 posts
6/25/2019 9:48 am

I have never done same-day meets and never will. I have met several men from here and most were positive experiences on the first but many of the meetings were one-and-done as there was either no chemistry or the conversation in person was totally different from the conversation on here. I have only done same week once and that was a mistake. He had to wear his beer!!
Polite refusal or decline ( yes, I know, wearing beer is not polite) is what should occur but not everyone understands what manners are. Rudeness is never warranted

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whoisagentj replies on 6/25/2019 1:03 pm:
Well, glad I don't drink. I don't need to wear my beer. Maybe root beer though.

BiggLala 47F  
26470 posts
6/24/2019 6:46 pm

First, a 'polite message' doesn't mean I'll chat with him. BUT...it does mean I'll respond at least once to acknowledge his message. For example, a local guy messaged me yesterday with a polite message. I read profiles before responding. After reading, it was clear we were not logistically compatible (just divorced, young children, and lives with his ex-wife so they can co-parent; I live with my mother, so...neither could host). I responded, thanked him, and told him I wasn't interested and why (though I don't have to explain why). He responded to [politely] thank me for being honest.

Anyway...like others have said, chatting for a longer period has led to me having better experiences--doesn't always mean a connection happened, though. I don't drag things out, but conversation has to progress for me to want to meet (there's been times where it progressed in a 2-3 days). Many of those better experiences have been where the guy waited for *me* suggest we meet, and I do once I'm ready to move to that step. If I'm not *feeling it* I will tell him that I'm no longer interested so we don't waste each other's time.

I do wonder how you verified that you were really talking to the person behind the profile. I only ask because my first thought was that she didn't respond because it was really a guy or she was hiding something about herself. Just curious.

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whoisagentj replies on 6/25/2019 6:25 am:
I try to be roughly the same way when it comes to messages. I stay away from separated women. If you are divorced, I also tend to look at how long you've been divorced. Young kids don't bother me. But living with their ex...eh no. Living with their parents? I understand this because I'm doing this now. Plus I have the money to get a room at a hotel for alone intimate time if needed.

And I can agree with your reasoning. Sometimes things progress quickly, and other times it take more time needed, before making a decision.

As to how I discovered the person I was talking to was a woman, her conversation seemed to be normal at first. She asked questions about me, and I did with her, and she answered the questions normally. At first.

Then after a couple more questions, things started to get...odd. I can't put my finger on it, but the answers became shorter, less information.

Then when I asked her if she wanted to meet within the week (it was Tuesday when I asked her, and I got no more replies after that) that's when things got odd. It's possible it could have been a guy, I don't know. But then again, you never really know until you actually meet the person.

FresnoWoman 48F
492 posts
6/24/2019 6:19 pm

I don't care to do same-day meets because I may have other things going on but I don't necessarily need a week to decide to meet someone for coffee. As long as no red flags or an excess of yellow flags pops up, I prefer to meet before much time passes so we can see if there's chemistry or not.

whoisagentj replies on 6/25/2019 6:13 am:
Well, some people are ok with same day meets. But if I'm told no to a same day meet, I try to reply back, "Well if today isn't good, perhaps sometime this week if your schedule permits? Or when would be a good time for you?" If she says she wants to talk a while, that's ok with me. But if it goes more than a couple of weeks and there's been no discussion of a meet I'll ask again. If she's indecisive, I'll suggest we meet sometime that next week to hammer down a meet time. If she still says no, then I explain it's time to move on.
If a woman doesn't want to meet within the first couple of weeks, she's not ready to meet at all, at least from my perspective.

firebird9743 99M  
91 posts
6/24/2019 2:44 pm

J I have a simple rule.
Expect 99 no for every yes
Spend as little time as possible on the 99

whoisagentj replies on 6/25/2019 6:09 am:
I'm on 647 no's so far, with 1 yes, which turned into a no show.

My batting average is lower than normal. LOL!

Tmptrzz 56F  
62244 posts
6/24/2019 2:20 pm

This is a great question and it would take a little while for me to actually meet them I want to make sure they are real. I have met several members here from the site and they have all been pretty good meetings for the most part.

I think everyone should respond to questions asked them no matter what the questions. If someone doesn't want to meet they should say no and explain why. But that's just me I have always said that honesty is the best policy..

Just your average every day run of the mill nana here!!!

whoisagentj replies on 6/25/2019 6:08 am:
Well I could understand not answering a question if gets too personal too soon, or they're asking for banking information, LOL! But normally, I'm the same way. If I ask a question I expect it to be answered. If you ignore it, then that's a problem and a serious red flag.

Naughtypursuit 51F  
2188 posts
6/24/2019 2:20 pm

I am not sure why she ghosted you but always best to move on.

I have met within a week but that was a while ago. It was a lesson learned. Now its a few weeks before I meet. I generally prefer to make sure we are on the same page and get an understanding of the man first. I haven't had an issue with that, I have met some great men. Sometimes its been longer then a few weeks, circumstances with work family and distance etc. but I have never been disappointed in waiting, I have been in rushing to meet and not properly gauging where someone is coming from. Having said that the key is that we need to keep chatting to figure that out, not ghost someone. If someone doesnt have the patience to wait then we are not on the same page, I have a family and a career... they come first.

whoisagentj replies on 6/25/2019 6:05 am:
And that's reasonable. I normally try to meet a person within the week if I can, but if it's real life, that's not always possible. As long as the conversation seems real here, and trust me, I can tell when it is and when it's not, then there is a reason to talk and message people here until the time of the meet.
But anything longer than a couple of weeks, and that's a concern for me, because some woman just want to talk and they never want to meet.

firebird9743 99M  
91 posts
6/24/2019 2:13 pm

Big boys can handle a no with elan.
Going dark is an indication of serious weirdness afoot

whoisagentj replies on 6/25/2019 6:01 am:
Agreed completely. Anytime a woman goes dark, something is most definitely afoot. It still could be a serious RL reason, but if it's not followed up with an explanation, that's a problem. And repeated times going dark is not excusable.

superbjversion2 64F  
16594 posts
6/24/2019 1:01 pm

Firstly … after exchanging several messages, not replying means that she is rude. Or in a coma.

As a woman that does meet - my problem would be the 'this evening' part. Any same day suggestion for a first meet seems overly eager and shows a disregard for the other person's schedule.

I put the sex in sexagenarian

whoisagentj replies on 6/24/2019 1:37 pm:
Well, I've suggested meeting same day myself, but I've always been flexible. I normally put in my message "If you don't feel like meeting tonight due to your schedule, perhaps sometime this week would be better?" I try to be a bit flexible, but if a person doesn't want to meet within a week, chances are they won't meet at all from my experience.

seems6666 48F  
2435 posts
6/24/2019 12:15 pm

I'm with Bitchkitty here, I like to chat for a while... maybe a week, maybe longer, til I feel comfortable. I have met, and if I say I'm going to meet I will, I wouldn't just ignore someone I've been speaking to and "getting on well" with, if I changed my mind, I would say so, even if I had to tell a little white lie!
It;s basic manners isn't it really
Move on,, not everyone on here is a jerk off!

whoisagentj replies on 6/24/2019 1:35 pm:
Nothing wrong with how an individual handles it. I agree as well, it's basic manners.

firebird9743 99M  
91 posts
6/24/2019 11:59 am

some girls just can't say no

whoisagentj replies on 6/24/2019 1:33 pm:
Well there is nothing wrong with saying no, as long as they can say why not. If it's they want to wait, they could say "No, but could we talk some more so I could get to know you better?" I think if someone said that to me, I'd be ok with that and ask more questions as to when they would feel ok with meeting.

bitchkitty2017 66F  
4492 posts
6/24/2019 11:47 am

Hmmm, polite message is the key word here, good blog and questions are well put..I actually personally would chat on here for awhile maybe a week before meeting..I know alot of guys are into right away meeting but most guys have to be aware of the fact that alot of women get hit on every day and well bluntly for that hook up, not all women want hook ups , so being serious about meeting and about meeting right away is every womans right to be cautious as well..Someone who is seriously wanting to meet and its agreed between two people its not that big of a deal to wait till she is comfortable in that meeting...women who " go dark" have things to hide and its sad for the guy who is serious ...sadly humans can do pretty much what they want , after all words on text or message are just words....

whoisagentj replies on 6/24/2019 1:31 pm:
Ok so my question to you is this...say a man, after you talked with him for a little while, a couple of hours asks you to meet up with him, and he suggests you pick the place and the time to meet up later that week.

Would you say ok or tell him you'd have to wait a while to talk to him some more?

whoisagentj 49M
6035 posts
6/24/2019 11:28 am

Definitely like to hear ladies thoughts on this. And guys, if want to comment on the ladies comments, post it here too! I think this would be a decent discussion.

Who can you call on to save the day?

Why none other than...


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