The talk I didn't want to hear.  

whoisagentj 49M
692 posts
7/19/2019 6:44 am

Last Read:
7/22/2019 5:53 am

The talk I didn't want to hear.

Yesterday I talked with my mom about her chemo treatments. It really scared me yesterday.

My mom is in her 10th treatment. She has to do a total of treatments before the doctors get her into a cat scan to see if the cancer is gone. Here's the thing...after her treatment is fully done and she does the cat scan, she's off of the chemo for a period of 3 months to recover. However...if the cancer isn't fully cleared out...she still has to wait 3 months to recover, and then they put her on chemo again. But the problem those 3 months, the cancer can get worse. They can't operate on her to get the cancer out because her cancer has spread to multiple areas in her colon and lymph nodes. They would have to gut her like a fish in order to get it out, and that's not possible.

My mom has already said that if they don't clear the cancer out of her with the chemo these next two treatments, and the cat scan reveals the cancer is still there...she's not going back on another 6 month round of chemo. She's going to ride it out and then let the cancer take her naturally if that happens.

I understand what she's saying. But the finality it was scary. It was hard to take in and accept it. All I can pray for is that the cancer is gone and she beats it. But I don't know if that will happen. And if it doesn't happen, then I have to accept the mortality of my mom's passing.

I've talked about this before, but seeing her go through this is so difficult. In a sense, I am my mother's caregiver. I've had to deal with helping her to the bathroom, cleaning up the puke, changing her bedding because she pissed in her bed because she couldn't get up in time to make it to the bathroom, helping her up and down stairs, getting her meds. It kills me to see her this way.

I've been sitting her for over a half hour now trying to come up with something else to say and I can't think of anything to end this post. Something positive, something upbeat, something filled with hope, and I can't. I just can't.

Who can you call on to save the day?

Why none other than...


RyuFujin 51F  
462 posts
7/19/2019 9:58 pm

Oh J, I'm so sorry. This is perhaps the hardest thing for anyone to face.

I have a very good friend and former roommate, who's G-maw developed pancreatic cancer quite suddenly. She was a funny lady, and "adopted" me as an honorary grandkid; I was over there every XMas with the rest of the blood relations. Those were really good times...

When she got the news that she had it, the cancer had metastasized to inoperable areas throughout her body. She was on chemo for a time, but couldn't hardly eat a thing; it made her sick as a dog.. She battled hard with everything: chemo brain-fog, endless puking up whatever food she tried to eat, not wanting to live and voicing it a majority of the time to family... I could go on.

The last time I saw her alive, the cancer had whittled her away to skin and bones. It broke my heart to see such a bright light slowly being dimmed..

My friend and his family started to talk about the End of Life option during that time, but she succumbed to the cancer within a year after the diagnosis. It will be four years this August since her passing, and not a day goes by that I don't think about such a great person.

Hang in there, we're all here for you.

"Be who you are and say what you feel. Those who matter won't mind, and those who mind won't matter" ~ Dr. Seuss
My blog: ~* Musings from the Muse *~

whoisagentj replies on 7/22/2019 5:53 am:
Thank you RyuFujin. Needless to say this is a difficult time for me.

thax013 42M
1089 posts
7/19/2019 12:11 pm

I’ve been through that twice with grandparents, hard stuff.

I’m sorry that you and her are going through this.

Visit my blog if you want to at thax013 and thank you very much!

whoisagentj replies on 7/19/2019 4:37 pm:
Thank you thax. It's probably one of the hardest things to go through in life, I think, facing the mortality of your parents.

SexySexySophie 35F  
1595 posts
7/19/2019 11:18 am

My mom was blind before she passed away from heart disease. I could not bear going into a store knowing that I would no longer be holding her hand to lead the way. If I could do anything at all to bring her back, I would.

With that said. My mom lead the way in our family to flat out reject chemo. In the family we have had 2 cancer diagnosis' and 1 mammogram referral. All of which we ignored and proceeded to natural treatments. We are all just fine.

There are more possibilities than one is lead to believe. These are the options:

A. Chemo (awful, but doc say its the only chance to live)
B. No chemo (certain death, they say)
C. Doing nothing (contrary to common belief doing nothing is not a 100% mortality rate, but we don't know because there are virtually no studies. But I have met friends who have refused treatment and lived much longer than they were predicted to live on chemo. A woman with stage 4 bone cancer lived 15 years after diagnosis without any treatment.)
D. Try natural treatments. (Also no data on this. But I have personally known persons who have done them and are living just fine decades later.)

Choosing a different treatment is a very personal decision. I just want you to know that its there. If that's something you'd like to know more about feel free to message me and I can point you to some literature you might want to explore.

Things like magnesium supplements, vitamin D and fresh vegetables can make a significant difference and might be something the doc and your mom probably won't object to.

Whatever happens, very best luck to you and your mom! You are a good son. Big big Hugs.

whoisagentj replies on 7/19/2019 11:26 am:
Thank you Sophie.

Wonder167 52F  
3538 posts
7/19/2019 11:14 am

Many people deal with this daily and it's difficult, I know. Bottom line is it's their life and decision. It's hard to know that it might be ending sooner than you'd hoped. Cancer is an ugly disease. I wish you luck in the times ahead.

Life is like a camera. Focus on what's important.
Capture the good times.
Develop from the negatives and if things don't work out,
Take another shot!

whoisagentj replies on 7/19/2019 11:25 am:
Thank you Wonder.

papis_baby_girl 41F
5121 posts
7/19/2019 7:47 am

when my dad told me he was done with chemo, it took my breath away. All I wanted was for him to fight fight fight... but he was tired and done... Accepting that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I was devastated... but understood. Didn't like it but I understood.

I spent the rest of his time with me just visiting and talking and reminiscing and hanging out and just enjoying him... the real him...not the sick chemo tired him...

it wasn't much longer after he decided he was done. Not sure if it would have made a difference if he continued chemo or not... I'll never know... but I do know that I'll treasure that us time...

hang in there...

"The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say."
-Anais Nin

"I am big, it's the pictures that got small!"
-Norma Desmond

whoisagentj replies on 7/19/2019 9:12 am:
After reading this, this just took my breath away. I know what you are going through, and the pain is still very much raw and emotional at the moment.

umaykissmesoftly 62F  
274 posts
7/19/2019 7:23 am

So sorry, I totally understand as I went through it with my husband. I never counted how many rounds of chemo he had, but the first time was 3 months worth every week, with an occasional overnight or weekend, with radiation treatments thrown in somewhere He went into remission for a few months, then it came back with a vengeance. Stem cell transplant, remission for almost 2 years, then back once again. He decided no more treatments. I was upset, but it was his choice. He never discussed his feelings with me or how he felt physically through it all, but he decided he had had enough.
Just bear in mind that some feel it's better for them to stop treatment than continue on based on how they're are feeling physically and emotionally. Sometimes it's quality of life rather than quantity of life.
Best wishes to you both.

whoisagentj replies on 7/19/2019 9:11 am:
I agree with that completely. However it's still somewhat overriding my brain that I want her around longer.

bitchkitty2017 66F  
4492 posts
7/19/2019 7:21 am

Awww sweetheart its hard to be in such pain and i wish i could take some of it away...from experience in a few matters similiar...give her support in any decision she makes no matter how much it hurts you..after what you said and after the amount of care you have given her , just step back and allow her to process that which she needs to make any final decision...thats all she needs from you is just a bit of space and time to come to terms with any decision, as you have to do as well.....i realize there is a time frame here....but you both need to breathe. I know this is not any help for you but , maybe its just about space..she may change her mind ..

whoisagentj replies on 7/19/2019 9:09 am:
Well, I'm just taking it moment by moment right now. But it's like I can see the finality of it all and it's somewhat overwhelming.

Mancrotchwatcher 57M
174 posts
7/19/2019 7:20 am

its a very tough task to walk a loved one to the threshold of this life’s exit. I empathize with you.

whoisagentj replies on 7/19/2019 9:08 am:
Thanks MCW. This is really been a rough patch for me to deal with, but it's even worse for my mom.

whoisagentj 49M
6035 posts
7/19/2019 6:45 am

I wish I had something better to post.

Who can you call on to save the day?

Why none other than...


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